Logan was put to sleep this morning.

He was very resltess last night. Didn't want his tea, and eventually ate a small amount (about 50g) of meat when I hand fed it to him. He couldn't seem to get comfortable and spent most of the night walking in and out the back door. When I went to bed, I discussed with xxx that the time looked like it had come and it might have to be tomorrow (today).

This morning Logan was outside and I went to give him his last dose of metacam. I wasn't sure when the vet could come out so didn't want him in pain while he was waiting. He was around the side of the house, moping about, and the spark had just gone from his eyes. I syringed it straight into his mouth, and then offered him his doggy treats, which he has eaten all along, even when he wanted nothing else. This morning he didn't even want them. I knew then that the time really had come.

The vets were brilliant. I was crying on the phone, trying to ask for someone to come out. It didn't help that Logan had come inside and was watching me. She discussed cremation with me, and I decided to have him cremated. That way when we move, he can come to.

Even though they came almost straight away, it was hard waiting. I spread his blanket out on the lawn, and he lay on it, while I sat beside him. Even xxx cried abit. It was hard when the vet actually arrived. Logan was watching them come toward us, and I don't know if he knew what was going on or not. The vet was very gentle and respectful, and the nurse was just wonderful. She cradled his head and cuddled him through the whole thing. xxx and I also sat with him, patting him while he went.

I think I cried more before and after than while it was actually happening. It was almost surreal. It's only been a few hours and I miss my boy already.

Logan didn't want his cheese and metacam this morning. I ended up squirting the metacam onto a plate and he seemed happy enough to lick it up off that.

I took him to the vet to get weighed. Realised on the way there that he had a dirty bum, possibly from the kidney he had for tea last night. He weighed 35kgs which suprised me, as he hasn't really been eating as much as he used to. A part of me wonders if perhaps the tumour is growing internally and thats contributing to the lack of weight loss.

We went for a short walk at the park, but he seemed uncomfortable. He did try a few times to have a poo, but nothing appeared, so he may be constipated now. He didnt seem that happy walking, so we cut it short. I'm not sure whether his tummy is abit upset, or what. I guess I'll just keep my eye on him for now.

Offered him some tea, but he isn't interested. Will try again later on, and may just leave it til tomorrow. I don't want to force him to eat if he's feeling yuck. He's been laying outside on the concrete in the cool, so he might have a sore tummy.

There is the chance that his body might not like the amount of metacam he is getting. There's also the chance that the cancer is spreading alot quicker than we thought, and he is feeling worse. Being realistic, at this point unless theres a huge improvement, I can't really see him lasting until easter which is only 2 weeks away. :( I don't want him to be one of those dogs that loses all dignity and quality of life. I want him to go out when he's still feeling reasonably good.

On the 28th I upped Logans metacam dosage from 34kg to 50kg, so about 1 1/2 times what he was getting. Wanted to see if it made any difference. He hadn't been in obvious pain, just abit more panty and not really interested in life. It seems to have worked, although the weather turned colder too which may have helped. I think when he gets hot, and pants to cool down, its alot more of an effort than what it used to be.

He is still difficult to feed. Very picky with his eating, and he might eat something one day and then not want it the next. He also sometimes won't even attempt to eat his tea, but if I offer it to him by hand, he will eat it.

At the moment he seems rather restless. Has been outside, and then back in a few times. Hops up on the couch, but within minutes hops back down again. I'm hoping he isn't in pain.

The past few days I've been taking him to the park for walks, and he seems to enjoy himself. Even manages the odd trot now and then, and if we happen to see any other dogs he gets quite excited, and starts grizzling. Yesterday he almost started howling because he wanted to go and play with a little dog, but couldn't.

I'm wondering if perhaps he is restless because I'm sitting here wearing my "walking" jacket and he wants to go walking. (at 5:39am, I don't think so!)

His breathing isn't as smooth as it once was. He tends to sound rather loud and...... almost grunty. Like it's an effort. Quite sad. (having said that, he has just had a chew on the edge of a tool box, so seems he is his normal self!)

I'm debating whether to take him to the vet today, just to be weighed. He was weighed a week ago, and was 34.5kg. Just interested to know how much he has lost with his lack of appetite.

Oooh, that reminds me. Yesterday evening after his walk, we finally got to pick up all of the newspaper off the floor. No more bleeding! Yay! It's quite weird, as the day before he bled quite alot after his walk. (from his bottom drain hole) And it was like almost overnight it healed. So the house is beginning to look abit less like a hospital ward, and abit more like a normal house again. It's just a pity that we couldn't have a healthy dog again :(

I was telling a workmate about Logan having cancer, and she said a friend of hers had a 13 year old dog that was "riddled with cancer, and can barely walk" and the woman was keeping it hanging on. I can't understand how anyone could do that! Yes, it is hard to decide when to pull the plug so to speak, but surely if the dog has lost all quality of life, you know you've reached that point! I guess it also helps that I have a partner who would never let me do that sort of thing, if I ever got so caught up in keeping Logan here, even when he had reached the point where he was ready to go.

The past few days have been up and down. Glimpses of my old boy and his happy personality, and then glimpses that he's struggling with this nasty disease. He does have the odd cough, which makes me wonder if it's spread to his lungs already.

I also don't know how much to push him to eat. I try to make sure he eats something everyday, even if he doesnt really want to. He does tend to let me hand feed him after his initial refusal to eat. And then some days he will suprise me and eat by himself.

The other morning he wouldn't eat his pills. I managed to get the first one down but he kept spitting up the other one. I got so frustrated and upset, that I smacked him :( I felt guilty immediately because he gave me such a hurt look. How could I smack a sick dog??! I've decided its not worth the fight to force him to eat the pills. They are only antibiotics and he's had most of them anyway. Atleast with the metacam if he does refuse that, it comes in a plunger so I can just squirt it down his throat.

Today is one of the hottest days we've had for awhile and I think he's feeling it abit. He's outside in his kennel (his choice), panting away. I only hope its the heat causing the panting and not anything else, like pain.

Finally finished uploading all of my photos to webshots.

Still working on uploading more of my photo's to webshots. This one is my favourite "family" photo. Gotta love the collie smile!

I'm glad I had the opportunity to take as many photos as I have of Logan. I have hardly any of my last dog, but I guess thats just the way it goes. I just pray that I have abit more time to still take photos and spend time with my boy. Not ready to give him up yet!

Things are looking abit brighter today. Didn't start off too well. Logan didn't want to eat his breakfast sausage with metacam, and did so reluctantly. He ended up eating 2 sausages, so was happy with that.

He spent alot of time outside during the morning, because it was really windy, and the wind was making doors and windows rattle which scared him. He's abit neurotic :)

Just after lunch I decided to take him to the park for a walk. We haven't been since before his operation. Almost the minute he got out of the car he was in a hurry to get going. Was exciting to see! He got quite excited when he saw another dog, almost like his old self. So I wonder if I've been treating him too much like an invalid, although it's hard not to. We didn't walk far, because I didn't want him to collapse in a heap! As soon as we turned round to go back to the car, he slowed right down, but that is normal for him. I also discovered around about this point, that he had a major dag on his petticoats lol So obviously he has had a poo at some stage in the last 24 hours. Yay! Never thought I'd be so excited about having to wash his bottom lol

Bought him a dog/cat roll and some fresh meat for tea. He ate about 200ish grams of the fresh meat, and probably about the same of the roll. I really should measure it, but am just so excited that he wants to eat anything. I started off hand feeding the first slice or two of roll, and then just left him to it.

He's currently outside, in the wind, but seems happy enough. I'm abit worried that all the different foods will upset his tummy but right now I just need him to eat anything.

Logan was reluctant at first to have his metacam this morning. But after a few minutes when he dissapeared outside, he came in and was quite happy to be fed his pieces of sausage.

After taking myself off to the doctor, I decided to ring the vet and ask about Logans drain holes. The bottom one is still bleeding, especially when he gets up or moves around. The nurse suggested bringing him in just to check it wasn't infected.

I got the young vet who first prescribed Logan with the Rimadyl. He said it will probably keep bleeding for abit as it hasn't healed yet inside. Gave me some antibiotics to make sure it didn't get infected and then sent us on our way. I felt abit dissatisfied. I did ask about his panting, but he said it's probably because of his lump and weight.

There's no way I'm putting him back on a low fat diet when I'm struggling to get him to eat anything!

He spent much of the day sleeping. This evening he wasn't interested at all in eating any sausage, but an hour or so later I managed to hand feed him about 2, cut into small pieces. If its too big, he won't even attempt to eat it.

He did cough again several times this evening, his head close to the floor, almost as if he was choking. It's very hard to watch :(

We went for a slow wander up the road, but although he wee'd several times, he still hasn't pooed. (that I know of. he could've gone out during the night and done it in the yard. I should check!)

After plodding along in the drizzle, and having a brief sit down in the driveway when we got home, he somehow found a spurt of energy to trot (quite briskly) after XXX when he ran inside. I'm not sure if he thought there was something exciting going on or not.

Doing my best to take it one day at a time. Some days he seems good and others not so good. The not wanting to eat worries me and also the coughing.

Last night Logan was very restless, and I'd almost decided that his time was nearly up. He didn't touch his food at all. I went and lay with him on the floor, crying and patting him. He started making his happy groan noises, and everytime I stopped to wipe my eyes, he would turn his head and try to lick my face. It gave me abit of hope. I hand fed him and he ate about half his tea. I didn't want to force him to eat too much.

When I took him out to the road for his wee, he wanted to carry on, but it was drizzling and he was also breathing quite heavily. My biggest worry is that he will collapse in a heap somewhere when we're out on a walk.

I didn't sleep in the lounge last night with him, but could hear him walking in and out the back door. He was out in his kennel for awhile "digging" a hole in the wood floor, before coming in and hopping up on the couch, where I think he spent most of the night.

This morning he seemed abit more alert. He ate his cheese with metacam. I had run out of anything else to put it on and already decided that if need be I would use the syringe and just put it straight down his throat. When I took him outside this afternoon, he even perked up abit and trotted across the yard. Yay!

I bought him a small container of raw meat (sold for cats but I'm sure he won't mind). When I got home I offered him a small amount, hoping he would be interested. He ate it up straight away and looked round for more, so I gave him the rest. He's left a small amount, but I'm still thrilled he ate anything!

I didn't get a chance to update yesterday, so am going to use parts (most) of an email I sent a friend.

Hi xxxxxxx

Apologies for not getting back to you sooner. I haven't really wanted to do much of anything lately. Want to hear something funny? I suffer from depression, and just before Xmas, the doctor decided I was well enough to halve my dose of antidepressants. And then all of this happens. Pretty ironic.
I saw a collie on trademe last night. 6years old and very similar looking to Logan. His parents were getting divorced and he needed a new home. Only lives about an hour away, but I felt guilty for even considering it. :(
Logans not doing too well this week. He didnt want to eat his cheese the other morning (which is what I give him his metacam on) Finally got him to eat that, but he hasn't wanted to eat his tea. I give him about a cup and a half of mixed mince, broccoli, brown rice, cottage cheese with fish oil added. Last night I decided to try cooking it to see if that would help. He wouldn't even look at it. I added a cut up cold sausage from the fridge and he ate that. I added a couple later on that night and he ate them up and also abit of his mince.He spends most of his day laying around panting. Not excessively, so its hard to know if its pain or heat related. It has been quite hot here, and even with the fans on and doors open it was 26 degrees in the lounge. He won't stay outside in the cool (in the evening) unless I shut him out then I feel mean :( Usually about 1 or 2 am he perks up abit, because its alot cooler.But I don't know if he will last much longer. :(
He started coughing last night/this morning. A horrible choking cough that made me feel so mean for putting him through it. Idon't know if it was the way he was laying, or if it means it has spread to his lungs. I don't want him to suffer, but don't want him to go too soon.He came inside this morning after being out for a few hours,and there was a glimpse of my boy again. He even seemed abit keen to have his sausage and metacam, and I thought "maybe he just had a bad night", but he's back to flopping on the sofa cushions, and acting like any movement is a huge effort. I have a week off work this week, and I keep thinking maybe I should do it this week, so I have a chance to mourn abit before I go back to work. But then I feel guilty because I'm even considering ending his life because its convienient for me.He doesnt even seem keen to go for a walk, which always used to be such an exciting time for him. He could hear the slightest chink of his chain from anywhere in the house.Now, even if you mention the magic word several times, it takes an effort before he hauls himself to his feet and comes.I guess I will see how he seems at tea tonight, and during the night. I'm still sleeping on the couch for most of the night, beside him.
Coeliac disease is something to do with your body not being able to process wheat and gluten. So you have to go on a gluten free diet. No more bread etc. The nurse rang this morning and said the doctor wanted to see me to discuss my results, because I have a slightly high lymphocyte count.(white blood cells) Can be caused by anything from stress to leukemia. I have an appointment thursday.
Yes, I'm sure poor xxx doesn't know what to do with both of us. I know he is attached to Logan as well, although we've only been together a couple of years, but it's hard to gauge just how he is feeling. He's a very practical, down to earth, easy going, tell it like it is type person, so I don't know if its upsetting him too, and to what degree. I'm sure he doesn't really enjoy dealing with an emotional mess.
I just keep thinking of all the things I'm going to miss. No happy collie smile greeting me at the gate when I get home at 4am. He won't be there to snuggle up to on the bed on cold days (although he hasn't been for awhile) And then there's the toys and other doggy stuff laying about.
Thankyou for being here. I joined a whole lot of cancerlists, but somehow I just can't really bring myself to post.And its hard even emailing my family. My younger sister just had her first baby after 2 miscarriages, so everyone is all excited over that so they don't want me bringing them all down.I'll let you know how things go. Will probably talk to xxx tonight and see what he thinks, although everytime I even think about making arrangements I burst into tears.

I was going to feed Logan outside last night, because it was abit cooler, but he ended up coming back inside. It's like, after 2 weeks "house-arrest" he doesn't like being outside. He also doesn't seem to want to wee in the back yard anymore, as the past few weeks we've been taking him for a short walk out to the road, where there's more bushes etc.

He didn't seem interested in his tea last night, which immediately had me worried. He did end up eating about 1/2 a cup full an hour or so later, and then later on that night he ate the rest.

This morning he went outside for about 5 minutes, if that. Not sure if he had a wee before he came back in so got my partner to take him out to the road to make sure he would have 1.

He also wasn't too keen to eat his slice of cheese this morning. I usually put his metacam on a slice of cheese (cut up), or sausage etc. He ate about half, reluctantly, but eventually ate the rest. Has been panting a wee bit, but not excessively, so I think he's just hot. Doesn't have that look in his eye which he got when he was in pain (before he got put on the rimadyl)

I gave him about 1/2 a cup of mince/rice/broccoli mix just before lunch, and he ate it just about straight away, so thats abit of a relief. I wish the weather would cool right off. Although it's not excessively hot to us humans, he's feeling abit warm.

Was thinking last night that potentially Logan may have had this lump for about 6 months already. In September last year, I took him in to get vaccinated, and had the vet feel a small lump he had developed on his side. I can't for the life of me remember if it was in the same place or not! At the time the vet said it felt just like a fatty lump, and to not be concerned unless it grew. Of course, I basically forgot about it, because I was convinced it was nothing. (we'd had a dog previously who had a similar fatty lump that was nothing). I wish now I'd had it investigated more, or even just kept an eye on it. But then again, if I'd had it xrayed and needle biopsied, it would've just come back as a benign lump (like these initial ones did) and I would've just left it at that.

If I'm being realistic, I think it has probably tripled (atleast doubled) since it was initially looked at in late jan/early feb. It's also probably more noticeable because he's lost abit of weight, and now has no hair hiding it!